Alrighty then.
It's been a good long time since I posted anything here, and yes, everyone who has patiently waited for more content should be furious with me. Thing is, I've managed to stumble into a rut, and I have no idea how to get out of it.
I've been out of work since the end of June. I spent a month in Florida with a friend of mine who needed the company. truthfully, I needed a break from the world I'd grown up in. Psuedo-independence is a brilliant thing. Coming back to the place I've grown up in was hard, since it was, and still is, stifling, oppressive and without inspiration. As a writer, thinker, dreamer, to live in a place where people are content to 'get by' and follow the norm is as physically painful as breaking a bone. Especially a bone in a part of the body you'd use often. Suffice to say I've been in a considerable amount of pain for years.
The month out of the country has, in my opinion done me good. I'm more sure of myself, in my own opinion. I've always suffered from non-existent self esteem and a moderate (I realize now) anxiety problem. I'd been molested several times during childhood and then thrust into what I like to think of as 'finishing school' by my fathers girlfriend after school. For anyone with self-esteem problems, or even without, not knowing where you stand is hell. To be constantly trying to gain footing in a place where everything was wrong today and right the next was more painful than a physical beating. And then, to make matters worse, I left high school to work in the same environment, the same physical building that the most traumatic experiences of my life happened in. That month away helped me to realize I did not have to be there, that being there, no matter how much I wanted to please my father, was simply unhealthy.
I've always known that I was and am a completely different person in that building than what I am without. It wasn't till I spoke to someone who knew me only in that unhealthy situation as I was away that I fully realized how much different I was. Their exact words were "Oh my God. I've never heard you sound so alive. Did something happen?" Of course nothing happened, at least nothing good. In actuality I had damaged ties with my father, made certain that I would be jobless when I returned home and set myself up to confess secrets that I had been holding for the greater part of 21 years. Utterly terrified was what I thought I was. And I really was. But I was also alive. I was having more fun than I'd ever had in my life because there wasn't anything holding me back. I'd somehow found the strength to let it all go, and it felt, it feels great.
Of course, my parents aren't happy with my current unemployment. At least, my father isn't, an indignation that baffles me every time I think about it, because I don't live with him, I'm still waiting on compensation for pay not received, and he's made it very clear that he has no interest in helping me to do anything.
Let me explain, before someone reads this and goes running to Mr. Lightbourn that his daughter is badmouthing his name on the internet. Before I graduated high school, nearing the end of high school, my father informed me that he could not pay any college tuition I would have. I did not object to this, mostly because it wasn't (isn't) my money, and I have no right to it. I went looking for a job, and at first I didn't find one, and so I was left to pay tuition with the less than $200 a week I was paid for working at his printshop, while paying the other bills I had (have) to pay because my mommy said so. I missed the registration for my second semester, I did not have enough for the semester after that, and things just spiraled out from there.
In all fairness, maybe I sabotaged my chances of going to college subconsciously. I've never wanted to stay here, though I never actually thought that I would ever have the ability/strength/courage to leave. I've always, since I was barely into primary school, wanted to sing. Of course, nothing has ever come from that.
Even so, at 21, I finally know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I always knew, I just thought I could do it. Now, now I'm determined to do it, no matter what.
It's been a good long time since I posted anything here, and yes, everyone who has patiently waited for more content should be furious with me. Thing is, I've managed to stumble into a rut, and I have no idea how to get out of it.
I've been out of work since the end of June. I spent a month in Florida with a friend of mine who needed the company. truthfully, I needed a break from the world I'd grown up in. Psuedo-independence is a brilliant thing. Coming back to the place I've grown up in was hard, since it was, and still is, stifling, oppressive and without inspiration. As a writer, thinker, dreamer, to live in a place where people are content to 'get by' and follow the norm is as physically painful as breaking a bone. Especially a bone in a part of the body you'd use often. Suffice to say I've been in a considerable amount of pain for years.
The month out of the country has, in my opinion done me good. I'm more sure of myself, in my own opinion. I've always suffered from non-existent self esteem and a moderate (I realize now) anxiety problem. I'd been molested several times during childhood and then thrust into what I like to think of as 'finishing school' by my fathers girlfriend after school. For anyone with self-esteem problems, or even without, not knowing where you stand is hell. To be constantly trying to gain footing in a place where everything was wrong today and right the next was more painful than a physical beating. And then, to make matters worse, I left high school to work in the same environment, the same physical building that the most traumatic experiences of my life happened in. That month away helped me to realize I did not have to be there, that being there, no matter how much I wanted to please my father, was simply unhealthy.
I've always known that I was and am a completely different person in that building than what I am without. It wasn't till I spoke to someone who knew me only in that unhealthy situation as I was away that I fully realized how much different I was. Their exact words were "Oh my God. I've never heard you sound so alive. Did something happen?" Of course nothing happened, at least nothing good. In actuality I had damaged ties with my father, made certain that I would be jobless when I returned home and set myself up to confess secrets that I had been holding for the greater part of 21 years. Utterly terrified was what I thought I was. And I really was. But I was also alive. I was having more fun than I'd ever had in my life because there wasn't anything holding me back. I'd somehow found the strength to let it all go, and it felt, it feels great.
Of course, my parents aren't happy with my current unemployment. At least, my father isn't, an indignation that baffles me every time I think about it, because I don't live with him, I'm still waiting on compensation for pay not received, and he's made it very clear that he has no interest in helping me to do anything.
Let me explain, before someone reads this and goes running to Mr. Lightbourn that his daughter is badmouthing his name on the internet. Before I graduated high school, nearing the end of high school, my father informed me that he could not pay any college tuition I would have. I did not object to this, mostly because it wasn't (isn't) my money, and I have no right to it. I went looking for a job, and at first I didn't find one, and so I was left to pay tuition with the less than $200 a week I was paid for working at his printshop, while paying the other bills I had (have) to pay because my mommy said so. I missed the registration for my second semester, I did not have enough for the semester after that, and things just spiraled out from there.
In all fairness, maybe I sabotaged my chances of going to college subconsciously. I've never wanted to stay here, though I never actually thought that I would ever have the ability/strength/courage to leave. I've always, since I was barely into primary school, wanted to sing. Of course, nothing has ever come from that.
Even so, at 21, I finally know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I always knew, I just thought I could do it. Now, now I'm determined to do it, no matter what.
